


so long, lonesome

by imhyunsik (raegrayson)



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-15 12:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2229777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raegrayson/pseuds/imhyunsik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s weird?” Youngjae repeats and his face does a complicated thing, a quick flash of hurt that Daehyun wouldn’t have even noticed if he hadn’t been watching it so closely. “Kissing me is weird?”</p><p>aka the one where daehyun can't stop laughing</p>
            </blockquote>





	so long, lonesome

**Author's Note:**

> this is embarrassing. i wrote this as a gift to my beautiful leader kate based on an idea i had while watching friends bc im gross this is gross kate i hope you like it because you deserve the stars but all i can give you is daejaes

Daehyun doesn’t mean to.

He really, really doesn’t, because there is really nothing about this situation that’s funny, there’s nothing funny about years of pent up longing, of lingering glances and too many touches, of all his thoughts and actions being dominated by a single person. There had been nothing funny the first time Youngjae had kissed him and there had been nothing funny about the way he’d frozen, shocked into inaction, the scramble that had followed, quiet confessions and tentative mouths.

It’s terrifying and intense and Daehyun’s heart slams in his chest and his fingertips tingle whenever he thinks about it, there’s a giddiness in his bones he can’t quite shake, threaded with disbelief, and that’s the thing. The thing, that this is _Youngjae_ , who is beautiful and a little bit evil, who cares so much in a weird way he can never really articulate. Youngjae, Daehyun’s best friend, his rock, and he’s spent years fantasizing, wishing, pining and it’s real, Youngjae is here, kissing him back with a purpose because this is the first night they’ve had off in weeks, the first time since that they’ve had time for more than hurried kisses and the energy to do more than pass out and Youngjae is here and Daehyun is kissing him with his hands messing up Youngjae’s hair and

Youngjae’s hands are on his butt and it’s _not funny_ , except that it is. Or maybe he’s just nervous or delirious or something, because Youngjae’s mouth is warm and wet on Daehyun’s and his fingers sink into the flesh of Daehyun’s ass and he makes a breathy little sound it Daehyun’s mouth and it’s so hot and it feels so good and it’s really not funny but Daehyun can’t stop the helpless giggle that slips out of his mouth.

Youngjae freezes and his grip relaxes and Daehyun tries to ignore it, to power through it, but Youngjae leans back and raises an eyebrow at him. Daehyun smiles uncertainly and Youngjae says, “What was that?”

“Nothing!” Daehyun says, earnestly. “Just nerves, I promise, let’s just get back to kissing, ok?”

Youngjae looks skeptical, but he complies, leaning back in, bumping Daehyun’s nose with his own, pressing their lips together once, lightly, then again, deeper, and again, deeper still until Youngjae’s mouth opens greedily against Daehyun’s and Daehyun sighs, a quiet, pleased sound as he slides his tongue across Youngjae’s bottom lip, reveling in the noises that build in Youngjae’s throat.

It’s so good, the heat that sparks along Daehyun’s lips and tongue and seeps into his skin from where they’re pressed together.  It’s a little dizzying, a little overwhelming, to have Youngjae like this, finally, finally, to be able to slide his hand across Youngjae’s jaw and into his hair, to feel the warmth of his chest and his thighs and know that this is going somewhere, that he could put his hands under Youngjae’s shirt and it would be okay, encouraged, and Youngjae might make more of those breathless, bitten off sounds like he makes when Daehyun scraps his teeth along his lip.

Youngjae’s hands slide, softly, barely touching, along Daehyun’s side and anticipation shoots through Daehyun like lightning. Daehyun’s hands are still cradling Youngjae’s face as they kiss and he thinks maybe he should move them, he wants to, he wants to touch Youngjae everywhere, but he also just wants to do this, because he’s been thinking about it for years. Youngjae’s nails bite into the skin of his sides, startling a moan out of Daehyun, because he’d been so caught up in the soft, wet slide of Youngjae’s tongue and holding his face that he didn’t even notice where Youngjae’s hands were going.  Youngjae grins, pleased with the reaction, slides his hands, down, back, across Daehyun’s ass again, and it feels good, and Daehyun-

Giggles. Again. It bursts from his mouth and he swears immediately and Youngjae pulls back almost entirely and his face is shuttered in a way Daehyun hasn’t seen in a long time.

“Seriously?” he asks, voice flat and eyes wary. “This isn’t a joke, Daehyun.”

“I know!” Daehyun assures him hastily and he takes a step forward and his heart clenches when Youngjae moves back. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m just nervous, it’s new and weird-“

“It’s weird?” Youngjae repeats and his face does a complicated thing, a quick flash of hurt that Daehyun wouldn’t have even noticed if he hadn’t been watching it so closely. “Kissing me is weird?”

“That’s not what I meant!” Daehyun’s voice squeaks and it’s embarrassing but he powers through it. “It’s just-I mean, we were kissing and it felt good and I was happy, but I kept thinking of killing camp, and that thing in New York and everything else and it was just like, ‘whoa, I’m kissing Youngjae, Youngjae’s hands are on my butt! That’s new!’”

Youngjae continues to watch him and Daehyun makes a small noise of protest when his fingers fall from Daehyun’s hips.

“Maybe this isn’t a good idea,” Youngjae says, voice clipped and short.

“What?” Daehyun whispers and he reaches out, panic simmering in his gut. “Jae, no, I’m sorry, I want this, I want _you_ , I-“

Youngjae pulls his arm out of Daehyun’s grip and shakes his head. “The mood’s gone, Daehyun. Another night. Let’s just. Go to bed.”

Daehyun makes a small, sad sound as Youngjae turns away and busies himself preparing for bed. His shoulders are hunched in a familiar way, one that says there’s no room for argument and Daehyun lets all of his breath out in a rush. He curses himself on the same breath, because how can he know Youngjae so well and still have ruined things so badly?

He readies for bed methodically in the silence that is so jarring – their room is never this quiet, usually filled with easy conversation and laughter and music, not this strained silence. Youngjae is only a few feet away from him, but it feels like a million miles. Daehyun slides into bed after Youngjae and turns off the light and takes solace in the face that Youngjae doesn’t turn away from him.

-

The next morning, Youngjae is gone when Daehyun wakes up, which is weird, and his bags are already packed and when Daehyun finds everyone else, Youngjae is sitting between Junhong and Jongup and he smiles at Daehyun when he walks up and goes back to his food. Daehyun sits and greets the others and eats and its. Weird, but normal and he doubts anyone notices the tension, but Daehyun does and the panic in his gut knots tighter.

Their schedule is busy and they fly out in the evening.  Youngjae sits with Jongup and they laugh and giggle and Daehyun sits with Junhong and pretends to be asleep.

At the next hotel, they have separate rooms, Daehyun knocks on Youngjae’s door and he doesn’t answer.

Daehyun wonders how useless he must be to have royally destroyed something before he even had a chance to really have it. It’s not like he doesn’t understand, really, he knows Youngjae and knows that he is, well. Sensitive isn’t the right word, really, although it’s probably true. He’s better than he’s ever been at battling his insecurities, but there are still things that hit him in weird ways. Daehyun knows, if it had been Youngjae laughing during a moment like that, he would be hurt, too.

He’s just not sure how to fix it with Youngjae steadfastly ignoring him without actually ignoring him.

Daehyun’s head hurts, but he doesn’t want to be alone, can’t go back to his empty hotel room and try to fall asleep in a big empty bed and it’s only been a couple of weeks, but he’s not really sure how to sleep without Youngjae beside him.

Instead, he wanders, through the hotel and out to the pool area. It’s too late for the pool itself to be open, but there’s a quiet area to the side with benches and trees and it’s nice. He heads to it and almost stops when he sees another figure on the benches. He doesn’t want to intrude on someone’s alone time, but as he draws closer, recognition dawns on him.

“Hyung,” he says, plastering a smile on his face.

Yongguk looks up from his tablet and smiles gently with a little wave. Daehyun takes the invitation, flopping down next to Yongguk with a heavy sigh. Yongguk tilts his head and he’s got that expression, pensive and distant and knowing and Daehyun waves a hand.

“What’s up?” Yongguk asks him, which, not unexpected.

Daehyun hedges, chewing at his lip. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Yongguk, he trusts him implicitly, and he doesn’t think Yongguk will have a problem with it (he would be a hypocrite if he did) it’s just that. Well, it’s kinda weird, talking to him about this. He kind of wishes Himchan were here.

Yongguk observes his silence and gives him a reassuring pat on his knee.

“I won’t push if you don’t wanna talk about it,” he says, awkwardly. “I know I’m not Himchan, but. I’m here.”

“I think I fucked things up with Youngjae,” Daehyun blurts out and then heat rushes to his face.

“Um,” Yongguk says and Daehyun can already feel him regretting offering his ear.

“I mean, a few weeks ago, we kissed and it was really good and, y’know, we confessed, I guess, that we like each other,” _that’s putting it mildly_ , Daehyun thinks, but he doesn’t say it. “But we’ve been so busy and then we finally had some free time, so we were, gonna, y’know, um.” Daehyun wiggles his hands and stares at the sidewalk because this is _embarrassing_ , talking to Yongguk about this. “But it was. Weird?”

“Weird?” Yongguk echoes in disbelief.

“Not like, bad, it was just, I mean, ugh,” Daehyun leans forward and puts his head in his hands. “I kept giggling.” He glances over at Yongguk and whines when he sees the confusion bordering on mild horror written all over his face.

“I didn’t mean to! There wasn’t anything funny, but I just kept thinking about things and it got weird and now he’s avoiding me! I don’t know how to fix it,” Daehyun finishes, miserably. “I don’t wanna lose this chance before I even get it, y’know? He’s important to me.”

“I know,” Yongguk says, with a wry smile. “I think everyone knows.” Daehyun flushes.

“I don’t know what to do,” he whines and he, barely, resists the urge to kick his feet. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t wanna. Y’know.”

“I got it,” Yongguk says, hastily.

“I just-“

“Don’t know what to do,” Yongguk finishes for him. He sighs and flips his hair out of his face. “I wish Himchan were here,” he says, so quiet Daehyun almost doesn’t hear it.

“Hyung,” Daehyun says, peering at him curiously.

“When you and Himchan hyung, when you, uh,” Yongguk looks very embarrassed, and Daehyun feels the same way, but he continues. “When you got together. Was it weird? After having been friends for so long?”

Yongguk pauses, frowning thoughtfully as he drums his fingers against his thigh.

“Not really,” he admits, eventually. “I mean, it was a little scary, at first, putting myself out there the way I did, but. Ah, it’s embarrassing, but when we kissed, it was new, but it felt so natural. Like it was something we had always done and every touch was different and exciting, but it also felt like I couldn’t remember a time when we hadn’t been…”

He trails off and his face is faintly pink and happy. He clears his throat. “But, it’s different for everyone.”

Daehyun feels even more miserable now. “It was so easy for you,” he sighs, running a hand through his hair. “What’s wrong with me?”

“Just because it was easy for us, doesn’t mean that it’s going to be for you, or that it means you shouldn’t try,” Yongguk says, patting Daehyun’s back awkwardly. “When have things with Youngjae ever been easy?”

“You have a point,” Daehyun says, sitting up a little straighter.

“Youngjae is probably just feeling slighted,” Yongguk adds. “Feeling like he’s more invested than you, that you’re not taking it seriously when he is. For once. You just need to prove to him that you’re as invested as he is.”

“But I don’t know how,” Daehyun sighs.

“Ah, well, you’d have to ask Himchan about that,” Yongguk laughs, embarrassment seeping into his tone.

Daehyun smiles at him, real and happy, because it helped and he feels better and for a minute, he thinks about giving him a hug but he doubts either one of them would know what to do with it. To be honest, he’s a little overwhelmed by the pure, positive advice and support, unused to something this genuine, but he needed it, needed Yongguk’s to-the-point mentality to avoid ruining things further.

“Thanks, hyung, you’re the best,” Daehyun says, standing and straightening his clothes. “I’m kinda tired, though. Goodnight.”

Yongguk waves, attention already focused back on his tablet. “Goodnight, Daehyun. Sleep well.”

“Thanks, Dad,” Daehyun mutters, rolling his eyes as he walks into the hotel. He has a plan, sort of. He has. Part of a plan. He can ask Himchan for help with the rest of the plan.

 

-

 

The next few days are a whirlwind of activity, rehearsals, interviews, fanmeets, performances, photoshoots. Daehyun barely has time to remember his own name, let alone corner Himchan into helping him plan the grand re-seduction of Yoo Youngjae. It isn’t until they’re on the plane, after Daehyun pulled Himchan aside and whispers Hyung, can we sit together? And Himchan had nodded and Daehyun doesn’t know if Yongguk told him or if it’s just Himchan’s natural intuition, but he’s grateful all the same.

The thing is, well, the thing is that normally, when Daehyun is down or he has a problem, he goes to Youngjae and sometimes Youngjae is gentle and sometimes he isn’t, but he always helps. But now, Youngjae is the problem, so Daehyun has to go elsewhere. It still feels somewhat like cheating.

Daehyun and Himchan spend the whole flight talking quietly and no one questions why they’re sitting together; Junhong is happy to get some time to talk to Yongguk about some new lyrics and Youngjae is far too preoccupied with focusing all of his attention on a tired looking Jongup to notice or care.

They come up with a plan and Daehyun is positive it is too simple to work, but Himchan insists and Daehyun trusts his instincts on this. The plan is put into motion they second they arrive at the hotel. They get their room assignments and it’s back to being two members to a room, Daehyun and Youngjae paired together as usual. Daehyun’s heart soars when Youngjae accepts this without argument, simply hands his key to Daehyun, who takes it with a smile. Daehyun has spent the last few days absolutely convinced he’s ruined everything, so the small smile Youngjae offers in return sets his mind slightly at ease.

He knows he’s not out of the woods yet and he has a plan and it’s going fine. They head to their rooms and Youngjae walks beside him and he’s quieter than usual.

“I’m hungry,” Daehyun complains. “Are you hungry, Youngjae?”

Youngjae rolls his eyes. “Of course you’re hungry, when are you not hungry?”

“I’m a growing boy!” Daehyun protests, twisting his face into mock offense. “I need to eat!”

“You wish,” Youngjae mutters and he knocks their shoulders together and Daehyun’s heart skips a beat and he knows he’s grinning wildly. Youngjae glares at him, but it softens into something fond, if exasperated and Daehyun wants to kiss him _so badly._ He always wants to kiss Youngjae, but now, maybe, he’s allowed and he leans, and Youngjae’s eyes widen and “Ah, it’s here.” Right. The room. Daehyun straights and moves ahead to open the door.

Daehyun swears to himself. _Remind the plan_ , he thinks, viciously. _Don’t get ahead of yourself_.

They’re barely in the room when Youngjae’s phone rings and Daehyun knows that it’s Himchan. This is part of the plan and Daehyun busies himself with his laptop bag to avoid giving himself away. Over his shoulder, Youngjae shuts his phone with an annoyed grunt. “Himchan hyung needs me vitally, apparently, I’ll be right back.”

“Okay,” Daehyun says, slipping Youngjae’s key out of his pocket and handing it to him and their fingers curl together and Daehyun doesn’t know if it’s intentional and he will be so glad when he’s got the world right side up under his feet again. He hates being back in this unstable space where he’s not sure what Youngjae is feeling or thinking.

“I’ll be right back,” Youngjae groans and Daehyun waves.

As soon as the door closes, Daehyun springs into action, hurrying forward to hook his computer to the tv. He pulls up Youngjae’s favorite movie and does a few quick tests to make sure it’s working. Himchan said he’d give Daehyun about ten minutes and it’s not more than Daehyun needs, really. He calls room service and orders a bunch of things off the menu he knows Youngjae will like and dims the lights. It’s a nice room and Daehyun still thinks this won’t be enough, that he should have a present or candles or something.

Daehyun gets his bear and Youngjae’s bunny and he squishes them together on his bed, which wasn’t in the plan and probably a little cheesy, but he doesn’t care. He’s staring at them, wondering if he should move them apart, if that’s too much, when the door opens and Daehyun jumps and spins around.

Youngjae pauses in the door and looks between the tv and the bed and Daehyun and raises an eyebrow. “What’s going on?”

“It’s, um, surprise!” Daehyun says, waving his hands a little. Youngjae continues to stare at him.

“Ok, um, well, I feel really bad about the other day and I know you’ve been avoiding me and I wanted to apologize and we’ve been so busy so I wanted to, um, do something nice. For you. To relax? As an apology? I ordered food, and, ah,” He’s rambling and his pitch is all over the place, but Youngjae is just watching him. “I’m really sorry. And I’m not, like, expecting anything, we can just relax, I just,” he waves his hands and lets them fall to his sides. “Miss you. I guess.”

Youngjae laughs and wow, yeah, that doesn’t feel good. He shakes his head, but he’s smiling as he steps forward. “Aish,” he mutters. “You’re so ridiculous, what the hell.”

“I’m sorr-“ Daehyun starts and his tone is questioning, but Youngjae puts his hand on Daehyun’s cheek, leaning in to kiss him. It’s soft and deceptively sweet, but Daehyun makes a happy noise and puts his hands on Youngjae’s hips and kisses him back. It’s very tame, they don’t even open their mouths, just short, gentle slides of their lips and Daehyun feels like he could float away.

Youngjae pulls away after a moment and smirks at the dazed look on Daehyun’s face. “You ordered food, you said?”

“Huh?” Daehyun asks and then snaps back to reality. “Oh, yes, yeah, food. Meat. And there’s a movie.”

“Sounds like a date,” Youngjae says and his tone is strange, like he’s forcing casual and Daehyun grabs his hand on impulse.

“It is,” Daehyun replies, threading his voice with insistence and fervor. “I mean, we can’t go anywhere, and it’s late, but we can do this.”

“That’s so romantic,” Youngjae replies and he wrinkles his nose. “It’s a little gross.”

Daehyun knows he doesn’t mean it so he laughs and pushes Youngjae towards the bed.

“Sit,” Daehyun commands and is surprised when Youngjae just rolls his eyes and goes. He stops when he sees the stuffed animals.

“Shut up, Yoo Youngjae,” Daehyun warns before he gets a chance to speak.

“It’s cute,” is all Youngjae says, before settling against the headboard with the animals in his lap. Daehyun wants to take a picture, but instead he turns away with a hidden smile and presses play on his laptop. Quickly, he scampers back over to the bed and settles beside Youngjae and his heart thumps wildly when Youngjae immediately leans into him.

The movie starts and Daehyun has a hard time focusing on it instead of Youngjae and he can’t really help it. Youngjae is beautiful, Daehyun has always thought so, even with the ridiculous hair he had at the beginning. There’s never been a time when Daehyun wasn’t enraptured by Youngjae’s face, his nose, his eyes, his mouth and it’s not any easier now that he knows what Youngjae tastes like, knows what noises he makes when Daehyun puts his mouth just there on the spot behind his ear.

Youngjae is beautiful and Daehyun never wants to be without him and it’s a scary thing to think, so he keeps it to himself. Maybe, later, years from now, he’ll be able to say it outloud without his hands threatening to shake off, be able to think of a future (together) with more finality, but right now, he just has to force himself to look back at the screen and try to focus, because jumping Youngjae in the middle of the movie isn’t the plan.

Their food comes, and then goes as they eat it happily and Youngjae is enthralled in the film, even though he’s seen it a million times, but Daehyun notices the way he keeps leaning more heavily into Daehyun’s shoulder and he notices the little looks Youngjae keeps giving him and Daehyun’s heart is racing like he’s a teenager on his first date. It’s not nerves as much as excitement, because Daehyun thinks this is working and they’re gonna be okay and that’s great.

When the movie ends, Daehyun realizes that they are all but laying down and Youngjae’s head is resting on his shoulder. At some point, their fingers had gotten laced together between then and for a minute, Daehyun thinks Youngjae might be asleep, but then. Youngjae turns his head up and his nose bumps against Daehyun’s cheek and, really, Daehyun has no choice but to turn his head.

His forehead rests against Youngjae’s for a moment and Youngjae whispers, “Thank you,” so quietly Daehyun almost hears it and then his mouth slots against Daehyun’s and it’s a messy, open thing, completely at odds with the quiet kisses from earlier. Daehyun falls into it gladly, opening his mouth for Youngjae, relishing in the greedy slide of Youngjae’s tongue.

Youngjae groans when Daehyun sucks gently and wraps his free arm around Daehyun’s shoulders to pull them closer and the motion knocks Youngjae on his back and Daehyun slides across his chest with one thigh between Youngjae’s and he can’t help but roll his hips, just a little, because Youngjae makes such an amazing noise as their hips slide together, and Youngjae bites at his lip with his hand sliding down, across Daehyun’s back to slip under his shirt.

The warmth of Youngjae’s hand as it slides across his skin makes Daehyun groan and pull his mouth away from Youngjae’s to kiss and suck at his jaw and neck.

“You aren’t laughing,” Youngjae says, breathless.

“It’s not funny,” Daehyun murmurs into his skin, his voice rough with want already. “It was never funny, Jae, I want you so much, I’ve always-“

“I know, I know,” Youngjae chants like a prayer and he pulls his hand back up to grab the back of Daehyun’s head and pull their faces level. “I know, Daehyun, I know,” he says into Daehyun’s mouth. “Me too, I’ve-missed you so much, can we please-“

Youngjae sounds so breathless and needy as he squirms under Daehyun and his mouth is right there, and Daehyun is helpless - the same way he’s always been helpless, where Youngjae is concerned – to do anything but fall.  He kisses Youngjae, again, because he can and he never wants to stop, and maybe he won’t have to.

 

-

 

The next day, Daehyun and Youngjae sit beside each other at the table and they knock their elbows together and Youngjae pinches the back of Daehyun’s arm and ends up laughing so hard he elbows Jongup in the ribs.

Later, as they walk to the van, Himchan bumps his shoulder against Yongguk’s and smiles.

“I think they’ll be okay,” he says.

“They deserve each other,” Yongguk replies, nodding sagely before he grins and leans into Himchan a little.

“Oh, Bbang,” Himchan sighs, fondly.

“I just meant,” Yongguk explains. “They deserve the happiness they give each other. It’s cute.”

“Of course that’s what you meant,” Himchan scoffs and he follows Yongguk’s fond gaze to where Daehyun is filming Youngjae very studiously. “They are cute. But not as cute as us.”

“Well, of course not,” Yongguk replies and he sounds so serious about it, that there’s nothing Himchan can do but laugh.

 


End file.
